My Resolve

I know in my heart I want to do something that matters,

Say something different -

Something that sets the whole world on its ear.

I want to do something better

With the time I’ve been given.

And I want to try to touch a few hearts in this life.

Leave nothing less than

Something that says “I was here.”

I know it’s my destiny to leave more than

A trace of myself in this place.

Isn't It Ironic?

The irony of my life over the past few months and how things continue to unfold amazes me daily. I'd have to say that my journey over the past year and a half of my life brought me to a place filled with a lot of resentment toward God – a lot of feelings of abandonment, frustration. After spending numerous years praying and searching for God’s will for my life and getting absolutely no response, I began to give up. Though I never doubted that God was there, I began to believe that He wasn’t as involved in our every day lives as we’d like to believe. And so began the pursuit of myself. If God wasn’t going to tell me His great plan ‘to prosper and not to harm’ me, then I’d take things into my own hands. I’d do what I wanted to do with my life, and I’d do it the way I wanted to. Ultimately, of course, this led nowhere but a dead-end - one of utter defeat as I slowly began to realize that I couldn’t do it on my own. I wasn’t created to. After some time of great contemplation and deep conversations with a good friend, I began to realize that I was through with living for myself. There had to be a better way. And so I began to turn my heart back toward God. Or rather, He began to turn my heart back toward Himself. And the way that this continues to unfold on a daily basis blows my mind and takes my breath away over and over again. It never gets old.

It all started when I decided that I needed some sort of Bible study or devotional of some sort. I went into a small Christian bookstore in Wichita and sorted through their rather minuscule number of books, having absolutely nothing in particular in mind. I settled on a book by John Eldredge entitled Walking with God and the workbook that went along with it. Never having heard anything about the book before, something compelled me to buy it. So I did. The first thing I noticed, and love, about the book is that it doesn’t have chapters. It’s divided into four ‘seasons’ because in our lives, we have seasons – seasons of mountaintop mind-blowing spiritual closeness with God as well as seasons of doubts and searching, and everything in between. I was intrigued. I spent a few days reading through the first ‘season,’ and ironically enough, it was about how God still speaks to His people. Whoa. Really? I was floored. Eldredge talked about numerous examples throughout Scripture where God speaks directly to His creation, both audibly and to their hearts. He then made the point, is the Bible just a book of exceptions – “Look how God had this really awesome personal relationship with all these people. Too bad He doesn’t do that for us.” Or is it a book of examples, of how life CAN be when we are walking with God? Hmm. After reading the first ‘season’ I spent a few days going through the workbook portion of it. At the very end of that ‘season’ it said this: “What do you need to hear from God about? Make a point to gently ask Him about it this week.” I knew exactly what it was.

Backtracking a little, about a week or so before I bought this book, I had an interesting conversation with my aunt, whom I was living with at the time. I knew that the only reason she had invited me to come live with her in Wichita was because she wanted to help me get back in school and “on track” (whatever that is, right?). Knowing that I wasn’t going to be returning to school this fall, I asked her how she felt about me living there. She told me this: “Kristin, more than anything, I want you to have a goal for your life. Not just paying off your student loans, but a life goal that you’re working toward.” Great, I thought. I’m back at square one. Again. I’m tired of living for myself, yet God won’t tell me what it is that He wants me to do. So this became my prayer:

God, I’m not asking for the whole picture anymore. I don’t need all the answers right now. I don’t need to know the big picture you have for my life. All I know is that I’m in a place in life right now that I HAVE to move in a direction. SOME direction. ANY direction. I just have to move. I have no job. I’m not going to school. I’m completely drifting and aimless here, so I just need a direction to walk towards. That’s all. No big picture. No answers. Just a general direction.

I began to ask Him to just open a door in the direction He wanted me to go, and close the other doors – and to make it very, very obvious, because I’m rather dumb about these sorts of things. I over-think everything. Nothing is ever simple. And Indecisive is my middle name.

Backtracking even more, before I bought the book or had the conversation with my aunt, I had spent four hours the day after my job ended, driving around Wichita, filling out applications, and turning in resumes. This resulted in several interviews, none of which produced any results. Most of them were only hiring for weekends or just part-time. I was really appreciative of them bothering to make me get up early and drive all the way across town to spend five minutes in an interview just for them to tell me something they could have told me over the phone, especially considering I had specifically stated I was looking for full-time. Still, I was hopeful that God would open a door in the direction He wanted for me. After about a week or two of not seeing any results, I randomly decided to fill out an application online with a temp agency in Tulsa, remembering that a friend had obtained several jobs through them over the years. When I talked to her about it, she told me to wait about two days after submitting the application, then start calling and “harassing” them until they gave me an interview. Then, after I had the interview, to wait two more days, then start calling them again and “harass” them until they found me a job. I wasn’t really planning on pursuing this; I was just bored more than anything. I filled it out on a Friday or Saturday. When Monday morning rolled around, I got up and went running. When I got back home, there was a message on my phone from them informing me that I looked like an “excellent candidate” for several positions, and that they’d like to have an interview with me that week. What?! I didn’t even have to call them. Not even once. They literally called me the very next business day to set up an interview. I was amazed. I called them back and they scheduled me for an interview the very next day. So I packed as quickly as I could and headed for Tulsa, not having any idea how long I’d be there. The interview went well, and they told me they wanted to submit me for a full-time job in Broken Arrow (close to home!) that paid $13 an hour! WOOHOO! They called me later and said the interview with this business was scheduled for Friday. I went to the interview, and was really hoping to get this job. I could sure use the money. I had a long discussion with my parents about moving back home and how I felt that this was the door that God had opened for whatever reason. They eventually agreed, and I left the following Monday to go back to Wichita to begin to gather my things. The same temp agency I interviewed with in Tulsa even got me a temporary job, for 3 days, that week in Wichita so I could make some money in the process. I planned to officially move back Saturday.

But, as usual, nothing ever goes as planned. I still hadn’t heard back from that company I had interviewed with, and was starting to get the impression that I didn’t get the job. Great. I really needed that. At 5:00pm on Thursday, while I was in Wichita, the temp agency called me and said that a hospice wanted to interview me for a full-time receptionist position. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea, especially considering it didn’t pay near as much and it was all the way across town, but I figured, what the heck. It couldn’t hurt anything. They wanted to interview me on Friday for it, so I scrambled to pack nearly everything I could possibly fit into my car, and drove to Tulsa Thursday night. My interview was at 3:30 on Friday, and I thought it went okay. It lasted about ten minutes, and I honestly wasn’t expecting anything to come of it. She had already interviewed about three people, and there was another one after me. I headed back to Wichita as soon as it was over to get the rest of my things and say my goodbyes. Exactly an hour after my interview (4:30), while I was on the rode, I got a phone call. It was the temp agency saying the hospice wanted to offer me the position and wondered if I could start Monday. WHAT?! No way! I couldn’t believe it. Literally an hour after I had left, they gave me the job. Wow. That’s all I had to say. So I got back to Wichita Friday evening, said goodbye to family and friends, and headed back to Tulsa for good on Saturday afternoon. It was an incredibly long weekend that involved way too much driving, but I was glad to be back. And employed.

Backtracking once again, a couple weeks prior to all of this, while I was contemplating the conversation I had with my aunt about having a career goal for my life and all that jazz, my mind turned back to Nursing. I have no explanation for this. No justification for it. I have attempted Nursing not once, but twice - and promptly quit both times. Not because I failed or anything, but simply because I was afraid to try. And not that it’s any secret, but when it comes to majors and jobs, I have commitment issues. Jobs I get bored with because they are never “what I want to do for the rest of my life.” And yet, I could never pick a major because the concept of picking one thing to do for the rest of my life seems so final that it scares the crap out of me. Still does. So I have no idea how or why this Nursing thing popped into my head. I hadn’t given it a thought since the last time I quit the major. But it did, and continues, to come across my mind without cause or explanation.


Anyway, getting to present time, I’ve officially been back for a whole week, and couldn’t feel more like I’m headed in the right direction for once, whatever that direction is. I’ve been working at the hospice for a whole week now, and it struck me yesterday – how ironic is it that, of all the jobs I could have been placed in by this job agency, I end up working with a bunch of nurses?? I mean, really.

So needless to say, I’m completely intrigued as to where this is going. I don’t have the big picture. I don’t really have any answers to all the big questions I have about my future either. All I know is that as God continues to open doors, I’m going to go through them. I feel as though my life is like a super good TV show – I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen on the next episode. :P

Kissing Apathy Goodbye

CREATE IN ME A PURE HEART, OH GOD,
AND RENEW A STEADFAST SPIRIT WITHIN ME.

RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION,

AND GRANT ME A WILLING SPIRIT TO SUSTAIN ME.

Psalm 51:10 & 12

The past year and a half of my life has been one that was most certainly not foreseen, much less explainable by anyone, including myself. I don’t know how exactly it all started, nor why. Maybe it was the claustrophobic-ness I was experiencing at OBU, maybe it was the severe fake-ness of people around me, or maybe it was a little too much of the legalistic-ness of certain self-righteous individuals that pushed me over the edge. Whatever the medley of excuses there may be, I’ve come to face the fact that, plain and simply, it all comes down to my own foolish apathetic-ness. I quit caring. I gave up. I turned my back. And for that, I have never been sorrier. I walked away, thinking I was much better off on my own, that I could find my own way. And I can say without a doubt, that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I said I needed freedom - freedom from people’s expectations, freedom to only be concerned about me, and freedom to “think for myself” and come up with my own way. Sadly, it took this past year and a half to bring me to my knees, to face the truth – that I can’t do it on my own. I’ve never felt so empty, so lost, or so hopeless as I did while living for myself. It’s like this circle that just keeps going around and around, never actually leading anywhere. Maybe that’s the point; we aren’t supposed to live life on our own, making our own way. No matter how hard we try, it just doesn’t work like that. It just continues on in this never-ending circle until you’re sick, never leading to the place you thought or desired. It may sound appealing on the surface, but living for yourself, creating your own way – it’s a bust. I say all this because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place, and finally, was able to admit to myself that I was getting nowhere, and certainly didn’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. I look back at this mess I’ve created, and all I see is myself, my way – and I don’t want any more part of it. It’s a vicious cycle and an endless circle. It seems to all make sense at the time, but eventually you wonder how, and if, you’ll ever get back.

My heart is restless in me,

My wings are all worn out.

I'm walking in the wilderness

And I cannot get out.

I need You, Oh, I need You,

Blessed Savior, come!

Oh, how I need You, Lord!

I need Your perfect Word.

Fill the every longing of my soul.

I can’t say that I’m there yet, but I see clearly now, and only by the grace of God. It seems as though, no matter how much I didn’t want to believe, and no matter how much I turned away, He was right there all along, holding my back, waiting for me to turn around. Even in the darkest of times, He never quit pursuing me, calling me back to Him.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander,Lord, I feel it –

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here’s my heart, Lord,

Take and seal it.

Seal it for thy courts above.

As I journey back to the place where I know I should be, I’m continually reassured that I’m on the right path. Prayers are being answered, and I don’t think I’ve ever stood more in awe of the power of prayer than I do right now. Encouragement from individuals – who have no idea of the battle that’s been going on in my heart over the past several months – telling me that they’ve been prompted to pray for me lately fills me with more of God’s love and concern for me than I’ve felt in a long time.

There is hope when my faith runs out.

So take this heart of mine,

There’s no doubt,

I’m in better hands now.

All I know is this: I am not my own. No matter how much I try, I can’t do it on my own. I believe in something better. I stand for something better. I long for something better. And that something better is attainable, but not by my own doing. I am completely and utterly undeserving of it, yet He offers it to me nonetheless. I can’t change the past. What’s done is done. All I can do is move forward, in faith, toward something so much better than I can ask, imagine, or deserve.

PRAISE BE TO THE GOD AND FATHER OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!

IN HIS GREAT MERCY HE HAS GIVEN US

NEW BIRTH INTO A LIVING HOPE

THROUGH THE RESURRECTION OF JESUS CHRIST FROM THE DEAD,

AND INTO AN INHERITANCE THAT CAN NEVER

PERISH, SPOIL, OR FADE.

1 Peter 1:3-4