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Kristin

Take Heart!

Life. It's a roller-coaster, isn't it? The good, the bad. The pretty, the ugly. The joy, the heartbreak. The simple, the complicated.

Most of the time, I think we find ourselves caught somewhere in between. At least I do, anyway. We spend our time consumed with escaping one end of the spectrum and pursuing the other, and yet most of the moments that make up our existence are found somewhere in between. In all this 'in between,' however, it can sometimes feel like we're being torn in two between the two extremes, and all the shuffling around and back-and-forth makes life a little more difficult than we'd like at times. A little more complicated when we'd prefer it simple. A little more painful when we'd prefer it happy. A little more outer conflict or inner turmoil when we'd just simply prefer a peace.

I'm certainly not a super huge Aaron Shust fan. I mean, I like the guy and all, but I've never really fallen in love with his music. Case in point: I won his CD about a month back and just got around to opening it up and playing it for the first time a couple days ago. And, timely enough, on track number ten I found just the prayer that I needed to help express the aforementioned inner turmoil that has found me in this 'in between' of life. I've had the song on repeat for at least two days now.

Breathe in me, breath of God.
Mend in me, this wounded heart,
That I may know You've made Your peace with me.

Music has never failed to bring words to my emotions at just the right moment. But in the middle of one of the most difficult days I've had in the midst of this tumultuous in between stage that I'm currently facing, I experienced something I don't think I've ever quite experienced before. Something altogether more powerful than any fitting, human-constructed lyric or melody.

I received a Word.

I was brushing my teeth, mind completely lost on something far from my life circumstances, when suddenly, completely out of nowhere, the words "In this world...I have overcome the world" came to mind. Though already running late for class, I did a quick glossary search for the word "overcome" in the back of my Bible and found John 16:33 -

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. BUT TAKE HEART! I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD."

Even in the chaos and confusion, life doesn't get any better than that.

Singleness of Heart

sin⋅gle [sing-guh l] – Not divided; unbroken

So many different messages are aimed at the ‘single.’ Particularly in the Christian circle, the message of looking to God for your only source of satisfaction and fulfillment, rather than another person, is prominent. And while this is all good and true, I wonder if maybe there aren’t other aspects of our lives – whether we are single or not – that we try so hard to fill by ourselves, even under the guise of doing it for the glory of God.

Looking to other people or things to fill a void in our lives is truly a tale as old as time. Relationships, food, money, drugs, alcohol – those are among the ones you hear of most often, and those are the ones that are typically most obvious. But what about the areas of our lives that are done in the name of God, or ministry, or making Christ known? Could it ever be possible that something in THAT category is done not with a singleness of heart, but instead looking partially for personal fulfillment through it? I say yes. Yes it can. No, not always, but that is where I discovered myself to be last night.

Case in point: I LOVE the thought of adventure. I have a great aversion to leading a ‘normal’ life. I want to go somewhere exciting. I want to do something exhilarating. I want to do it for God, but I also want other people to envy my experiences. I am also impatient. I want it to happen NOW. I don’t want to stay here and go to school. I want to go to Belmont and major in Commercial Music Performance. I want to go to Christ for the Nations. I want to go to YWAM DTS. I want to go to Hillsong College. I want to go to China for six months through IMB. Basically, I want to do ANYTHING to get me out of HERE as soon as possible in the name of God. I am CONSTANTLY trying to come up with SOMETHING to make that happen. And if you think I’m over exaggerating, I assure you – I am not.

But then it occurred to me: looking for adventure, even in the name of God, to satisfy my longing for excitement and purpose is just as wrong and futile as me looking for a relationship or anything else to fulfill me. My point is not to say that we shouldn’t dream big dreams or attempt extreme things for God. I will be the first to tell you that it is God who initiated those longings in us in the first place, and that they should be pursued and not suppressed, as seems to be the trend. (But that’s a whole other blog for another time). Indeed, I think we’d have a whole lot less unhappy people if everyone pursued the longings and desires God has placed in them, rather than settling for “safe” or “convenient” or, heck, even “normal.”

My point, however, IS that often without noticing, our desire for the ADVENTURE or the sense of purpose, or whatever, can end up overshadowing our desire to be satisfied with God alone, as is the case with me. I’m learning that if my single, undivided, unbroken pursuit is to be satisfied and fulfilled by God alone, He WILL satisfy that hunger for adventure in me; I have only to be satisfied in seeing Him in where I find myself now.

Psalm 17:14-15 says, “…You still the hunger of those You cherish… when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing Your likeness.”

What about you? Is there any area of your life – even a part that is FOR God – where the desire to be fulfilled by the thing has overpowered the desire to simply be satisfied by God alone, wherever you are? Rest assured, you’re not alone, and that we serve a God of patience, grace, and second-chances.

Sing a Song of Hope

There is a strategy in the midst of the difficulty.

That is what was written on the piece of paper that fell out of my Bible today, in my own handwriting, though I have no idea from when or where it came. Timely words considering the happenings of my past week, and so very fitting. Some time ago, in the not too distant past, I essentially gave up spiritually. A variety of circumstances contributed to this; however, what resonated most profoundly with me was the sense that all of this ‘Christian’ stuff – all of the prayers and faith and hope – was merely a way of masking our pain, simply a way of coping. I remember quite clearly arriving at the conclusion that, while I still believed there was a God, I no longer believed that He was as involved in our lives as we’d like to think He is. My reason for this conclusion? I had been praying for quite a long time – years, in fact – for answers and solutions and direction in my life, and still, nothing. Silence. That’s when I decided to take things in my own hands. That’s when I decided I would take charge of my life. That’s where I went wrong, and for those who know my story at all, they know how much grace was extended to me and poured into my life to bring me to the place I am now.

Presently, though, I find myself hearing that same voice in the back of my head – the one telling me that all of this spirituality is just a coping mechanism for this life, and that maybe God really doesn’t care after all. Maybe it all IS up to us. I would describe my prayer life lately as feeling like I’m running against a wall – a big, strong, tall wall that I am certain to never budge. So why try? Why even keep this up? I’ve been praying up a storm, and absolutely nothing is happening. Nothing except more negative circumstances, anyway. Maybe I was right about all of this in the first place.

But then, I know, logically that thinking makes no sense at all. Of course I don’t believe everything is relative, so why do I live that way when my circumstances are bad? It’s as if, when things are going great, I have a really strong faith and think great thoughts about God, but the second things turn around and seem impossible to overcome, I start questioning the point of faith and whether God even really cares about me at all. But can God really only be good when MY personal circumstances are pleasurable? No. Who God is, is NOT dependent on my circumstances. HE is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and on THAT consistency I must cling when things don’t make sense.

No other outlook could have caused me to spend an hour-and-a-half-long car ride yesterday, with no air or radio or music of any kind, singing at the top of my lungs. I know myself well enough to know that a day filled with failed and foiled plans, no food, nearly being blown up, and a lengthy car ride of silence would be enough to make my mood less than pleasant. Yet, I can’t help but sense that all of this is building up toward something, and if I just keep pushing forward, that wall that I’m running against IS going to come down. And all of this will makes sense, because there IS a strategy in the midst of my difficulty.

Oh, and another thing that makes me so sure of this – half of the songs I sang while in the car yesterday, music-less, were songs I hadn’t heard in quite some time… until this morning in church. I’m just sayin’. Something’s about to happen. And it’s going to be awesome. :)

Join me in claiming these very powerful truths:

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
MY GOD IS THE GOD WHO PROVIDES!

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame!

I will bring praise! I will bring praise!
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL REMAIN!
I will rejoice! I will declare:
GOD IS MY VICTORY and He is here!

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I AM CONQUEROR AND CO-HEIR WITH CHRIST
So firm on His promise I'll stand!

I will bring praise! I will bring praise!
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL REMAIN!
I will rejoice! I will declare:
GOD IS MY VICTORY and He is here!

ALL OF MY LIFE, IN EVERY SEASON
YOU ARE STILL GOD,
AND I HAVE A REASON TO SING,
I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP!

I will bring praise! I will bring praise!
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL REMAIN!
I will rejoice! I will declare:
GOD IS MY VICTORY and He is here!

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
THE SEED I RECEIVED I WILL SOW

The 'D' Word

Despicable. Deceitful. Destructive. Disconnect. Discontent. Disenfranchise. Defamation. Distrust. Disloyal. Dislocate. Disclosure. Disassociate. Disregard. Disengage. Detestable. Derogatory. Disrespectful. Delusional. Dimwitted. Desolation. Deprivation. Deranged. Disparage. Denigration. Derogation. Discourteous. Disdainful. Derisive. Dismissive. Disobliging. Difficult. Dishonorable. Daft.

But why, God?

Dissension.

“If you can’t get past this, the enemy of your soul knows all he has to do is put that trouble in your path to get your focus off God.”

But which way, God?

Direction.

“You can miss God’s best if you do not learn to trust in God, to forgive, & to respond in love.”

But what does that look like, God?

Disposition.

“You begin to blossom when you say, ‘O God, give me perspective I’ve never known’.”

But what if I fail, God?

Determination.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors.”

But how, God?

Dependence.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Attitude Adjustment

I told a good friend Saturday morning I could tell I was in need of a major attitude adjustment. Little did I know I was about to get just that, and at a great cost.

For me, life has been pretty busy lately, and stressful. And I've allowed myself to get swept up by it, not keeping priorities straight. And thus, my attitude on life in general has gone out the window, as I have not maintained a proper perspective on my surroundings. It is because of this accumulating pile of crap in my life that I am where I find myself now - watching some of the things I hold dearest simultaneously fall apart, wishing to go back in time. After all, everything is 20/20 in retrospect. Yet in the midst of the circumstances I find myself in, and in an attempt to reestablish perspective and attitude I should have, it has occurred to me how much it must pain God when He doesn't hear from us or when we ignore Him. It is painful enough in our own lives to go an extended period of time without hearing from someone we care deeply about. But how much more does it hurt the One who demonstrated the ultimate example of love by dying to save us when we simply get too caught up in the busyness of our lives to talk to Him? His love for us is SO much greater than we can comprehend, therefore, how much more must it pain Him when we ignore Him? More than words can express. Consider my attitude adjusted.

He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Prayer

Jesus,
Give us a picture of Your face
Show us the measure of Your grace
Reveal the love of the Father
Put within us tenderness
Release from us ALL selfishness

We are Yours
Give us hearts of servants

And So I Learn To Listen Through Silence.

I'm aware that I really need to get back to writing more, but that involves making the time, which I've really been bad at lately. So I guess until I find that balance again, others' writings will have to suffice. The past couple of weeks, I'd have to say, everything has been ridiculously ironic in my life. It's got to the point where literally everything I read, or hear in church - spoken or sung, it literally directly applies to something I've been struggling with and praying about, and I feel like it was put there specifically for me. Words cannot convey how crazy this feeling is. I just had another one of those moments. Allow me to share an excerpt from Experiencing God:

When Jesus arrived, Lazarus had been dead four days. Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died" (v.32). Then the Spirit of God began to help me understand something. It seemed to me as if Jesus said to Mary and Martha: "You are exactly right. If I had come when you asked, your brother would not have died. You know I could have healed him, because you have seen Me heal people many times before. If I had come when you asked Me to, I would have healed him. BUT YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN ANY MORE ABOUT ME THAN YOU ALREADY UNDERSTOOD. I knew you were ready for a greater revelation of Me than you had known before. I wanted you to experience that I am the Resurrection and the Life. MY REFUSAL AND MY SILENCE WERE NOT REJECTION. THEY WERE OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO DISCLOSE TO YOU MORE OF ME THAN YOU HAD EVER KNOWN."

And so I'll learn to listen through silence.

Salt In The Snow

Give me wings, give me peace.
These are the things that I need.

Are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold
Will give way to summer's warmth.
Oh no! Like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

Is this where I am for your sake?
Stuck between sleep and awake.
My mind is dreaming of things -
Are you listening?

And I will wait for you to come again.
And I can't pretend like I'm confident.
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't.

I have heard that winter's cold
Will give way to summer's warmth.
Oh no! Like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

Goodbye To You

It seems like just last week I was hanging out with my college friends; now I find myself only talking about them and the times we had. A figment of the past. And I wonder when, if ever, I will see most of them again. I'm not old enough for this, I think. But something about husbands and seminaries and grown-up jobs and moving to far off places brings the reality of the situation into perspective. I still don't feel old enough, though, and certainly not ready for any of it. But then again, when are we ever 'ready'? Most of the time, if not all of the time, I think that time chooses us; we don't choose the timing. It's more like, when opportunity presents itself, we must choose to rise to the occasion, or else, maybe in fear, choose to let it pass us by, knowing not what could have been. I think Shakespeare said it best: "We must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us."

Someone once told me a very long time ago that life is made up of goodbyes. I thought it quite rude and incencitive at the time, but having gained a few years, I think I'm starting to understand their point. But I wonder, if life is full of goodbyes, why should I not cling to the 'now' as tightly as possible, because I know not when it will pass? Or maybe it's just about enjoying and appreciating the 'now,' and having the grace to accept when it's time to say goodbye, looking onward to the next 'current' of life, for I know not the joy it may bring. Or maybe it's a little of both. In either case, I still hate goodbyes.

Promises

This past week in Experiencing God, one of the assignments was to specifically set aside part of the day, at least 30 minutes, and go on a walk or do something outside of your normal routine to get away from everything and just spend some time focusing on God and His love, and see what He had to say to my heart. And this is what He brought to mind:

Several years ago, I decided that God had called me to go on a mission trip to Ecuador over the summer. I only had a matter of months to get the money, and my parents, out of love, basically flat out told me that I’d never get all the money in time, and I should just plan on going the following summer so that I’d have a year to save. I brought my frustrations to the director of this particular missions organization, and he told me that he was often frustrated with parents who said these things to their children - whether it was about money or not thinking it safe for their kid to leave the country or whatever. He targeted his frustration on one key point – what are you teaching your kids about God by giving those excuses? Without words, and probably without even realizing it, those parents are saying to their children that God is not big enough to provide the means for them to go or that God is not strong enough to watch over them and keep them safe. With this in mind, I proceeded to pick out a few key verses from Scripture and claim those promises from God every single day, believing that He would provide if it were His will. And He did.

That being said, I have some pretty major decisions to make in my life, and a very short amount of time to make them in. And, honestly, there’s a lot of emotion and confusion tied up in them for various reasons. There’s a lot I don’t understand right now, but it’s become clear to me that there’s one thing I must do, and that is to claim His promises. No matter the time in history or what my circumstances are, His promises never ever change, and I have to stand on that now more than ever. I may not be able to even see my own hand in front of my face, but I have to trust that His heart is good, that His promises are true, and that my God is big enough. And the rest is out of my hands.

MY COMFORT IN MY SUFFERING IS THIS:
YOUR PROMISE PRESERVES MY LIFE.
Psalm 119:50

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.
Psalm 9:9-10

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

You will seek Me and find Me when you when you seek Me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.
Psalm 107:9

In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6

“I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”
Exodus 33:17

The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all He has made.
Psalm 145:13

If It's Too Hot In The Kitchen - GET OUT!

It came to my attention yesterday that a mass of scandal has begun to swirl around the stars of the TLC reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. In the past I've heard and read a plethora of negativity regarding this alleged happy, Jesus-loving family. Yesterday, however, was the first I'd heard of this cheating rumor firestorm that has been sweeping across the media. Reportedly, Jon has been seen (and photographed) bar-hopping and the like with young college girls, while Kate is off traveling promoting her new book, which probably, once again, has nothing more to share with us than we already know... which is everything, because, after all, their lives are broadcast on TV. Some say this is just a sick publicity stunt for the couple to gain more attention for their show and book. Kate, on the other hand, claims that life in the spotlight has put a strain on their marriage, and Jon is just having a difficult time dealing with the fame, as well as the way Kate's 'career' has taken off. First of all, since when has exploiting every detail of your family's life become a career? (Oh wait, that's right - when reality TV started!) It was cute and interesting to see how they managed in the beginning, but they're what, 5 now? They're all in school. I'd say it's completely plausible for Kate to go back to work as a nurse, at least part time, while the kids are in school. Second of all, at least Jon could get a job! I mean, if he's feeling "behind" as his wife is busy with her 'career' ... maybe he should consider getting one of his own - preferably one that is un-televised. Maybe then he would have less time on his hands to incur rumors of partying with college girls. Just a thought.

But really, I mainly just have one thing to say to you, Jon and Kate, and it is this:

If being in the spotlight is putting a strain on your marriage - THEN GET OUT! Of the spotlight, that is.

It really isn't rocket science. If this truly is not a publicity stunt, but a real dilemma, then it's time to make a choice. What is more important - getting rich off of your adorable children... or your family, your marriage? Please do your kids and yourselves a favor, and step out of the spotlight. You are fully capable of recording your precious memories by yourselves - without the aid of a camera crew. People do it all the time; it's called 'reality,' without the 'TV.' And you are also fully capable of providing your kids with plenty of 'opportunities you didn't have growing up' without putting them through a media feeding frenzy that has really only just begun. And if this is indeed a publicity stunt, well, you need more help than we thought....

And shame on you, TLC, for standing by at letting this happen.

And shame on us for buying into it.

So Why Do I Worry?

So WHY do I worry??
WHY do I freak out?!


Rejoice in the Lord always,
I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
THE LORD IS NEAR.
Do not be anxious about anything,
But in EVERYTHING by prayer & petition,
With thanksgiving,
Present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


I lift up my eyes to the hills -
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
HE WHO WATCHES OVER YOU WILL NOT SLUMBER;
Indeed, He who watches over Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you -
The Lord is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.


So WHY do I worry??
WHY do I freak out?!
God knows what I need.

Mighty To Save

...my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I HAVE HOPE:
Because of the Lord's GREAT love we are not consumed,
for his compassions NEVER fail.
They are NEW EVERY MORNING;
GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS.
I say to myself, "THE LORD IS MY PORTION;
therefore I will wait for HIM."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord...
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
SO GREAT is his unfailing love.

Lamentations 3:20-26, 31-32

Cast Your Cares Here, Please.

Sometimes it's just really comforting to be reminded that we have a God who INVITES us to voice our concerns and contentions to Him, because He cares for us.

An excerpt from Psalm 69:

Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.

I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.

I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

But I pray to you, O LORD,
in THE TIME of YOUR favor;
in YOUR GREAT LOVE, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.

Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;

Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

Come near and rescue me.

Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.

I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, MAY YOUR HEARTS LIVE!

The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,

for God WILL save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people WILL settle there and POSSESS it;

the children of his servants WILL inherit it,
and those who love his name WILL DWELL THERE.

Pslam 46:

God is our REFUGE and STRENGTH,
an ever-present help in trouble ["tight place"].

Therefore we will NOT fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she WILL NOT FALL;
God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our FORTRESS.

Happiness. :)

Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

As I've been contemplating the gravity of what Easter really means for us, I can't help but think that I am somehow just not quite getting it, I guess you could say. Up until tonight, I've probably spent more time picking out an Easter dress... and shoes... and the works... than I have really meditating and being purposely grateful for the meaning behind it all. I feel like I should be more somber, more sorrowful knowing that Christ had to die because of me. But instead, I spend the weekend going to movies, getting a tan (er, sunburn), and being preoccupied with anything and everything else, as usual. But tonight, being intentionally in thought about what this weekend really means, my thoughts were directed not to the crucifixion scene, nor the resurrection. I began thinking about the Passover and the Jews of the Old Testament. Looking back, I see that they had so many different feasts and festivals, such as the Passover, that God commanded they have every year because, like us, they were pretty stupid and had a tendency to forget what God had done for them, where God had brought them. God commanded they have these feasts every year as a remembrance, to 'commemorate' a great thing that God had done for them. And so it is with Easter and us today. It's not that we shouldn't be thankful for Christ's death and resurrection every single day. Of course we should. But God knows that we have a tendency to get very caught up in the busyness of our own little lives, and therefore forget how precious this thing really is, how imperative it is. It is because of the events of 'Easter' that we even have a foundation to our faith at all. And while we should be grateful for this every day, Easter is our Passover, in a way. It is our one day a year to go all out, to get really dressed up, and to really, truly celebrate. It is the day we are to set aside every year to commemorate this great thing that God has done for us. Namely, the salvation of our souls. So, get up in the morning. Put on your fancy Easter outfit, go to church, and CELEBRATE! Celebrate the very reason we have a hope at all.

"This is a day you are to commemorate, for the generations to come you shall celebrate it as a festival to the Lord - a lasting ordinance."
Exodus 12:14

Sticks and Stones

This is my soap box, but bear with me. I think I have a point.

I was recently discussing Adventureland with a friend of mine. The comment was made that it was pretty crude, containing a lot of sex and drugs stuff, but that it was still a good movie. Now I know the typical 'good Christian' response to this, but I have to say, I beg to differ. While the Bible does tell us 'if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things,' it does not tell us to go hide under a rock. The reality is, we live in a fallen world, and these things - the drugs, the violence, the sex outside of marriage - they come along with that. While, of course, I am by no means condoning those things, I dare say that they are a part of our nature, our humanity, and they are, therefore, something we must face, not pretend don't exist, lest we fall. People don't just wake up one day and decide they are going to be 'bad' people. It is usually a series of incidences in their lives and choices that are made that take them down a certain road as opposed to another, and the sooner we grasp this, the closer we will come to understanding the hearts of those around us and why they are where they are.

I encountered an old friend several months ago who is now married to a youth pastor, and we began discussing other old friends and what they are doing these days. I mentioned a friend of ours, who is not married, who recently had a baby, and suggested we go visit her. My friend responded that she didn't think she wanted to do that. When I asked why, she told me that it was because she "didn't agree with the situation." I was baffled. Taken completely aback. And quite honestly, I was irate. Seriously? Is THIS how we as Christians are supposed to be? Is THIS what Christ has called us to? Is THIS the example we are setting for the next generation of leaders in our church? The Jesus I know hung out with the sinners, the rejects. The Jesus I know reached out and touched those who were considered untouchable. The Jesus I know hung out with prostitutes and thieves, and all around the 'worst of the worst.' This is what Christ has called us to. He has called us to love and to forgive, just as He has loved and forgiven us.

Furthermore, in the presence of Jesus, I believe we are all on equal ground. There is no room for a "holier than thou" standing for anyone. We are all the worst of the worst. All our righteous deeds are as filthy rags. I love how Jesus ALWAYS turned things around on the pious religious leaders of that day and pointed things straight to the heart of the matter. He told them that they have only to think a bad thought about someone, and they have already committed murder in their heart. They have only to look lustfully toward another, and they are guilty of adultery. So why do we as Christians still keep walking around with our noses in the air thinking that we hold a higher standing with God because we have not done THAT, nor would we ever? I'm afraid we are gravely missing the point. We have ALL sinned and ALL fallen short of the glory of God. We ALL deserve death. We ALL deserve hell. It is ONLY by the grace of GOD that we live and move and have our being. And because He loves us, though we do not nor ever can deserve it, we are to extend the same courtesy towards others. Because He has forgiven us of our rebellious hearts, how then can we even conceive of not forgiving those around us, when, in reality, we are no better than they are? After all, we are called to be like Christ.

I was watching one of the Truth Project videos last night, and one of the people they were interviewing was a tattoo artist. When asked his opinion of the church, he just went off on a rampage. He clearly had a very strong aversion, as many people do, and I know that they don't just wake up one day and decide to hate the church. There must be some past incidences that have distorted their view, some point of broken humanity at its prime, in the name of Christianity, that turned them against God and religion so severely. And for that, I am very sad. For them and for the church as a whole. I think the church, including myself, could use one major attitude check. We need to become more consciously aware of how we portray Christ to those around us, realizing that "we may be the only Jesus they see." Are we resembling a God that offers love and forgiveness, or a God that turns His nose up at us? We also need to recognize the effect of our attitudes and actions on those who look up to us, on those we lead. What are we saying, without words, to them about what it looks like to follow Christ? The answer to that will determine the kind of people we are molding them to become as future leaders.

I think it is high time those of us who claim the name of Christ recognize the past for exactly what it is - the past. Nothing can be done to change it. Ours or anyone else's. And because of that past, we are all on equal ground, no one better or more deserving than another. All we can do is move forward, in Christ, and extend the grace that He so graciously offers us day in and day out to those around us. We have been given the mind of Christ; it's time we start acting like it.


Oh God, give us grace to walk HUMBLY with You.



Years ago, I used to really want to sing this song in church. It's by Point of Grace, but don't completely write it off just yet. I think the words contain a lesson we could afford to remind ourselves of on a daily basis.

Lord, I know sometimes you look down and shake Your head
When we know what we should do and do the other thing instead.
We're living in glass houses & we're throwing sticks & stones.
The love that will come to us is the love that we have shown.

Ignite a fire in my spirit.
And when I want to make a difference,
This will be my prayer:

Begin with me!
Turn my world upside down,
Come change my heart around,
Lord, keep on washing me clean.
Begin with me!
Come and renew my mind,
And lead me to the light,
'Til I am more like You, Jesus.
Begin, begin with me.

Have you ever noticed how we love to give advice?
We offer up suggestions without thinking twice.
Got 20/20 vision when we're watching someone else,
But it's a little blurry when we're looking at ourselves...

I can't forget to check the mirror.
That's where I find the only one
That He wants me to change.

Starting right here, right now,
Lord, I surrender to You.
Ready to serve.
Ready to love.
'Cause that is all that matters in the end.

Begin with me.

Through Gentleness I'll Get My Way.

Aesop's "The North Wind and the Sun"

The North Wind and the Sun had an argument one day. They disputed which of them was stronger. A traveler came along the road at that time, and the Sun suggested a way to resolve the argument. Whoever was able to cause the traveler to remove his coat would be the stronger. The Wind accepted the challenge and the Sun hid himself behind a cloud. The Wind began to blow. Yet the harder he blew, the more the traveler clutched his coat about himself. The Wind sent rain, even hail. The traveler clung even more desperately to his coat. Finally, in despair, the Wind gave up. The Sun came out and began to shine in all his glory upon the traveler. Quite soon the man had removed his coat. "How did you do that?" asked the Wind. "It was easy," said the Sun, "I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way."

Hope, Coffee, and a Melody

I've been a fan of the Robbie Seay Band's music for awhile now, but as I've recently found their blog and read up on them, I've become a fan of them as people as well. It's quite refreshing, really, to know that people live out what it is that they write and sing about. And it's quite reassuring to find music that is so relelvant to my own struggles and circumstances, and, I think, to everyone else's as well.

"Some of the things that come out of the music are of great significance. People find hope. Some find solace. Others stumbe upon a journey of faith they had no idea they were on."

And that is the beautiful thing about music. Though we all may have our differences, here we find our common ground. We are all here together, walking through this life, trying to make sense of what is going on around us. And there is a Hope that does not dissapoint.

In reading a particular post the band made about the atmosphere they wish to create with their concerts, they said this:

"It is our prayer, that in the midst of this whirlwind we will laugh as people that have not lost hope, drink deep of a rare cup of coffee, and share a melody that will awaken the best in all of us."

I sincerely cannot wait for Thursday night.
I need this.
My soul needs this.
Here come better days.

We were meant to LIVE

Did you ever wonder what it would be like

If you weren't you anymore?

If you were suddenly gone,

How would your world react?

Whatever you imagined is wrong.

There's nothing romantic about death.

Grief is like the ocean;

It's deep and dark, 

And bigger than all of us,

And pain is like a thief in the night.

Quiet. Persistent. Unfair.

Diminished by time and faith and love.

I read a news article today about a small plane crash over the weekend, killing all 14 people on board - 7 of them children, ages 1-9. Though I have no connection to any of these individuals, stories like this tear at my heart. I know it's a tragedy that ALL of these people lost their lives, but some part of me aches stronger for the children. I know it's not a reality, but I just would like to think that everyone should have the opportunity to live a long life - to have their first kiss, graduate high school or college, to fall in love, get married, have kids - to simply chase their dreams, whatever they may be. I'm certain this chord resonates so strongly with me due to the loss of my own brother at such a young age; I sometimes still think about what his life "should be like" right now - who he'd be friends with, who I'd like for him to be dating, where he'd be going to school. I wonder if he would have his life more figured out than I do, and wish I had him around to talk to about all of these things. But even having experienced all of this, I cannot even begin to fathom the intense pain and loss it would be to lose an entire family in a moment's notice. For those parents who, because of this solitary moment, have lost a son or daughter and all of their grandchildren, or siblings who lost a brother or sister and their nieces and nephews, my mind can only begin to imagine the searing loss they must be experiencing at this moment. I know what it's like to lose one so suddenly, but to lose so many? And all at once? I wouldn't even know how to begin to deal with this, and I pray to God I never have to. Things like this remind me how insignificantly trivial all the petty problems in my life are. My heart truly goes out to those affected by this. May they find Comfort, and may we realize that our days are numbered and learn to truly live each and every one of them.

Confronted with a tragedy that seems so senseless,
We are compelled to make some positive reply,
To say that if the young and brave die early,
Then those of us who remain must help others to live a meaningful life.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Sometimes I really think that music is God's gift just for me. (I've been reading too much, I know. Don't ask.) It never fails that just the right song, with the EXACT words I need to hear, enters my mind at just the right time when I need it the most - even if it's something I haven't heard in years. I know it's more than coincidence. I had one of those moments just a little bit ago. I mean, it just can't be coincidence that I went from blaring Jessica Harp's "Not Today" as loud as I could, to singing the following song I haven't heard in God knows how long, in nothing flat. God is SO good!

Let it all out (get it all out).
Rip it out, remove it.
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed.

Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about,
So scared we're going to lose it -
Not knowing all along
That's EXACTLY what we need!

Oh, inconsistent me,
Crying out for consistency!

You said, "I know that this will hurt.
But if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse!
If the burden seems too much to bear,
Remember:
THE END WILL JUSTIFY THE PAIN IT TOOK TO GET US THERE!"

And I'll let it be known,
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness.
But SOMEWHERE in me,
THERE IS STRENGTH!

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I WILL defeat this,
Cause somewhere in me,
There is strength!

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of one who's never known defeat,
And I'll try my best to just forget that
THAT ONE ISN'T ME!

When It Isn't Like It Should Be

It's about accepting your fate.

Maybe the whole point of you and me,

And every single moment we've shared together,

Has just been leading us here.

Maybe you and I are meant to create this life,

Because maybe this life is going to change the world.

Our story already has the greatest ending. 

No matter what.

Heart-wrenching words, and scene, if you know what I’m talking about. I’m reminded of why I like this show so much – the quotes. If you know much about me at all, you know that I absolutely love quotes. All kinds, from all different places and things and people. I have files and files on my computer of quotes I’ve found over the years that were particularly meaningful or profound to me, quotes that touched my soul in some way. Every once in a while I’ll open them up and read through them, feeling their meaning all over again. As I sat and listened to these particular words, I was suddenly reminded of the vast beauty of life, of destiny. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in our own little frustrations when things aren’t going the way we’d envisioned them, or the way we think they should. But the truth is, each and every one of these circumstances we endure is shaping who we are, and leading us to something better. I know that it’s difficult to believe that sometimes, especially when you find yourself in the middle of all of the pain. But it’s true, nonetheless. And if we will just open our eyes to see it – to see that our journey is not confined to the mere moments we are experiencing, but encompasses the whole of the plot, the ups and the downs, from start to finish – we would do ourselves a grand favor. The frustrations, pain, and heartache we endure are not the sum of our existence, but merely points along the way on this journey of life, letting us know we are living. We are alive, and this too shall pass. I will choose to be thankful, even for the heartache, because I know I am truly living. I am alive. I can feel. Even the bad, but especially the good. And that is what makes all of this worth it. Sure, the pain is certainly no fun. But each new sunrise brings with it a new day. Another chance. And life goes on.

I realize now that when your heart breaks,

You've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive.

Because you are.

And that pain you feel?

That's life.

The confusion and fear?

That's there to remind you that

Somewhere out there is something better;

And that something is worth fighting for.

How Great the Father's Love for Us!

Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don’t weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That’s the way back into Eden. That’s the way back to life.

There are few things in life I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate more than Christian fiction. As far as I can tell, it all stems back to sixth grade, when I read some Christian romance novel by Janette Oke. Or maybe it was Beverly Lewis. Or Karen Kingsbury. Whichever the case, it makes no difference; they are all the same. Crap. Crap, crap, crap. I don’t remember if I even made it all the way through the book, to be honest. All I recall was thinking this was the cheesiest, most ridiculously stupid thing I’d ever read. And so I’ve avoided the genre altogether ever since, with the minor exception of The List last year, which I highly recommend.

I’d heard about this book, Redeeming Love, from numerous people. I’d seen it listed on plenty of Facebook profiles under ‘Favorite Books,’ but I never really knew anything about it. It wasn’t until my trip to Colorado about a month ago that I really felt impressed to go buy it and read it. I went to Mardel and searched and searched, finally having to ask for assistance. Low and behold, it was not in the ‘Christian Living’ section as I’d assumed, but in none other than the dreaded ‘Christian Fiction/Romance.’ I sighed inwardly. I had some serious second thoughts going on. But in the end, I bought the book, not really knowing what to expect.

Of all the scenarios I could have pictured, I certainly never thought myself to be sitting up at 1:30 in the morning during the middle of the week, bawling my eyes out so hard I was shaking as I finished the novel – about a week after I started it. Oh, did I mention it’s some 460+ pages? God knew I needed that.

I think the difference with this particular Christian fiction novel is that it isn’t just some obnoxious, made-up love story with a bunch of cheesy God stuff packed in there. The story is actually based off of a book of the Bible, Hosea. And as Francine Rivers put it, “Everything in Redeeming Love was a gift from the Lord: plot, characters, theme. None of it is mine to claim.” And that made all the difference.

The parallel between how this man married a known prostitute, continuing to love her and pursue her no matter how awful she treated him or how many times she ran away back to her former life, and how God loves us completely and unconditionally no matter how many times we throw it all in His face and try to do things without Him after all He’s given us brought me to my knees. The picture of how God relentlessly and ever so gently pursues us with His love, waiting for us to open our eyes and see what is right in front of our faces brought tears to my eyes. The fact that I’ve been given a love like this, and yet, somehow I still manage to so often find myself seeking after my former bondage broke my heart. God’s grace for us is beyond comprehension, His love beyond measure.

This story is so great, so timeless. The character of Angel pierces right to the heart of all of humanity. No, all of our stories may not be so extreme; most of us weren’t sold into prostitution as a child or anything like that. But yet, every single one of us can relate to this character. Every single one of us has felt some form of rejection, loneliness, despair, betrayal, unworthiness. And every single one of us, whether we know it or not, is offered the same Power to overcome, the same unconditional Love, despite our past. And further still, how many times do we walk away from that Love, determined to find a way on our own?

I love what Francine Rivers says about why she wrote this book. I feel a certain connection with her words. “Too many have awakened one day to discover they are in bondage, and they have no idea how to escape. It is for people such as these that I wrote Redeeming Love – people who fight, as I did, to be their own gods, only to find in the end that they are lost, desperate, and terribly alone. I want to bring the truth to those trapped in lies and darkness, to tell them that God is there, He is real, and He loves them – no matter what.” I, too, have fought to be my own god, harder than most anyone even knows. I dug myself deeper and deeper, turning my back on God, thinking that if I only worked hard enough and long enough, I would make it on my own. And as Rivers said, in the end, I most assuredly found myself to be lost, desperate, and terribly alone. That’s the darkest place I’ve been in my whole life. But praise God He sees my past, and CHOOSES to love me just the same! It is only by His grace that I am where I am today. And I am eternally indebted to His endless love that keeps bringing me back every time I run, because Lord knows I do.

I love knowing there’s a bigger picture beyond my circumstances, beyond my pain. Sometimes I can’t wait to be old, just so I can look back on my life and see how every single detail, even the difficulties and hurt and frustrations, were shaping and molding me and creating a beautiful tapestry, a masterpiece. I will spend my life pursuing and trying to understand this perfect Love that pursued me and continually makes beauty out of my messes.

May your roots go down deep in the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it.

Ephesians 3:17-19

The Sound of Goodbye

As is probably apparent by my vast array of posts, I obviously can’t decide what I want this blog to be. I’ve thought long and hard, and I can’t seem to decide if this is a venue for me to ramble about all the meaningless happenings in my life, or if I want to use this solely for spiritual insights and inspirations. I want there to be a theme, without a doubt. But as I’ve thought this over, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that the theme is most honestly reflected in the above graphic. “The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination.” This blog is about my journey. To where, I do not know. (I mean, ultimately I know, but I’m talking about where I’m going in this life exclusively). But as the quote says, it doesn’t matter to where. The point is in the journey, in the in between. I write to express what is going on in my world, whether that be deeply profound or as simple as my frustrations over a terminally screwed up ipod. Every moment is a part of the journey, no matter how insignificant. And that is the beauty of it.

As every writer knows, the best writing comes out of moments of inspiration. Those moments are usually few and far between, and come at the most inconvenient times. And it is those moments of inspiration where we find it imperative to drop everything and find something to write down our thoughts on, or they will be gone. Just like that. And they will never come quite the exact same way again.

I’m having one of those days. All day long I’ve felt this deep need to make sense of what I’m thinking and feeling through writing, but haven’t had the chance until now. And the most frustrating part is, I don’t even know what it is that I’m supposed to be writing. I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m really thinking or feeling. But whatever it is, I need to get it out. It’s like a disease. Or an addiction. Or maybe they are the same thing. I just feel so jaded, really. And I’m so tired of the ups and downs. I just want to be free of this. Maybe I should move to LA in August…

As I was contemplating all of this, on the clock, of course, I was reminded of something I wrote a number of years back, and I felt inclined to look it up when I got home. As it turns out, I wrote it three years ago, almost to the exact day.

Who I Am 3/9/06

Rain, rain, go away

Come again another day

My soul is worn

And my heart is torn

As these tears stream down my face

Patience is growing thin, Father

As I try not to give in

To a world that is so unfair

Handing me this mask that I should wear

So that I can be worthy of love

Will no one ever see a heart

That is after the Lord’s own heart?

And will no one ever even care

That I lift my hands to You in prayer?

That I’m so in love with You

I want my life to reflect that in all I do.

Will no one ever love me for who I am?

Reign, reign in me this day

Father, this to You I pray.

As I wait for Your perfect will

May my life be truer still

To the One who gave me life again

Lord, as I wait, make this heart

One that is after Your own heart.

I thank You that You care

When I lift my hands to You in prayer.

May I fall more in love with You

And live my life to reflect that in all I do.

Until I find the one who is after Your heart too.

Ironically enough, I specifically remember the circumstances prompting this… and I obviously still haven’t learned my lesson. Maybe this time I will get it through my head. Maybe now I can be free.

Patience is a virtue, and most certainly one that needs work in my life, at that. I don't like silence, from God or otherwise. I don't like confusion. And I don't like not knowing what I'm feeling, or how to express myself. This is exhausting. I often wish life had a rewind button. I'd go back to being comfortably numb. I'd prefer that to this any day, I think.Well, today, at least. Leave it to me to figure things out the hard way though. I think I need a do-over, but I don't even know where to begin... My spirit is fading. I need a change.

I can't find the words to pray
I'm a little down today
Can You help me?
Can You hold me?
I feel a million miles away
And I don't know what to say
Can You hear me anyway?

Lord, I know, the only way is through this
Lord, I know, I need You to help me do this