CREATE IN ME A PURE HEART, OH GOD,
AND RENEW A STEADFAST SPIRIT WITHIN ME.
RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION,
AND GRANT ME A WILLING SPIRIT TO SUSTAIN ME.
Psalm 51:10 & 12
The past year and a half of my life has been one that was most certainly not foreseen, much less explainable by anyone, including myself. I don’t know how exactly it all started, nor why. Maybe it was the claustrophobic-ness I was experiencing at OBU, maybe it was the severe fake-ness of people around me, or maybe it was a little too much of the legalistic-ness of certain self-righteous individuals that pushed me over the edge. Whatever the medley of excuses there may be, I’ve come to face the fact that, plain and simply, it all comes down to my own foolish apathetic-ness. I quit caring. I gave up. I turned my back. And for that, I have never been sorrier. I walked away, thinking I was much better off on my own, that I could find my own way. And I can say without a doubt, that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I said I needed freedom - freedom from people’s expectations, freedom to only be concerned about me, and freedom to “think for myself” and come up with my own way. Sadly, it took this past year and a half to bring me to my knees, to face the truth – that I can’t do it on my own. I’ve never felt so empty, so lost, or so hopeless as I did while living for myself. It’s like this circle that just keeps going around and around, never actually leading anywhere. Maybe that’s the point; we aren’t supposed to live life on our own, making our own way. No matter how hard we try, it just doesn’t work like that. It just continues on in this never-ending circle until you’re sick, never leading to the place you thought or desired. It may sound appealing on the surface, but living for yourself, creating your own way – it’s a bust. I say all this because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place, and finally, was able to admit to myself that I was getting nowhere, and certainly didn’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. I look back at this mess I’ve created, and all I see is myself, my way – and I don’t want any more part of it. It’s a vicious cycle and an endless circle. It seems to all make sense at the time, but eventually you wonder how, and if, you’ll ever get back.
My heart is restless in me,
My wings are all worn out.
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out.
I need You, Oh, I need You,
Blessed Savior, come!
Oh, how I need You, Lord!
I need Your perfect Word.
Fill the every longing of my soul.
I can’t say that I’m there yet, but I see clearly now, and only by the grace of God. It seems as though, no matter how much I didn’t want to believe, and no matter how much I turned away, He was right there all along, holding my back, waiting for me to turn around. Even in the darkest of times, He never quit pursuing me, calling me back to Him.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander,Lord, I feel it –
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, Lord,
Take and seal it.
Seal it for thy courts above.
As I journey back to the place where I know I should be, I’m continually reassured that I’m on the right path. Prayers are being answered, and I don’t think I’ve ever stood more in awe of the power of prayer than I do right now. Encouragement from individuals – who have no idea of the battle that’s been going on in my heart over the past several months – telling me that they’ve been prompted to pray for me lately fills me with more of God’s love and concern for me than I’ve felt in a long time.
There is hope when my faith runs out.
So take this heart of mine,
There’s no doubt,
I’m in better hands now.
All I know is this: I am not my own. No matter how much I try, I can’t do it on my own. I believe in something better. I stand for something better. I long for something better. And that something better is attainable, but not by my own doing. I am completely and utterly undeserving of it, yet He offers it to me nonetheless. I can’t change the past. What’s done is done. All I can do is move forward, in faith, toward something so much better than I can ask, imagine, or deserve.
PRAISE BE TO THE GOD AND FATHER OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!
IN HIS GREAT MERCY HE HAS GIVEN US
NEW BIRTH INTO A LIVING HOPE
THROUGH THE RESURRECTION OF JESUS CHRIST FROM THE DEAD,
AND INTO AN INHERITANCE THAT CAN NEVER
PERISH, SPOIL, OR FADE.
1 Peter 1:3-4
