As is probably apparent by my vast array of posts, I obviously can’t decide what I want this blog to be. I’ve thought long and hard, and I can’t seem to decide if this is a venue for me to ramble about all the meaningless happenings in my life, or if I want to use this solely for spiritual insights and inspirations. I want there to be a theme, without a doubt. But as I’ve thought this over, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that the theme is most honestly reflected in the above graphic. “The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination.” This blog is about my journey. To where, I do not know. (I mean, ultimately I know, but I’m talking about where I’m going in this life exclusively). But as the quote says, it doesn’t matter to where. The point is in the journey, in the in between. I write to express what is going on in my world, whether that be deeply profound or as simple as my frustrations over a terminally screwed up ipod. Every moment is a part of the journey, no matter how insignificant. And that is the beauty of it.
As every writer knows, the best writing comes out of moments of inspiration. Those moments are usually few and far between, and come at the most inconvenient times. And it is those moments of inspiration where we find it imperative to drop everything and find something to write down our thoughts on, or they will be gone. Just like that. And they will never come quite the exact same way again.
I’m having one of those days. All day long I’ve felt this deep need to make sense of what I’m thinking and feeling through writing, but haven’t had the chance until now. And the most frustrating part is, I don’t even know what it is that I’m supposed to be writing. I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m really thinking or feeling. But whatever it is, I need to get it out. It’s like a disease. Or an addiction. Or maybe they are the same thing. I just feel so jaded, really. And I’m so tired of the ups and downs. I just want to be free of this. Maybe I should move to LA in August…
As I was contemplating all of this, on the clock, of course, I was reminded of something I wrote a number of years back, and I felt inclined to look it up when I got home. As it turns out, I wrote it three years ago, almost to the exact day.
Who I Am 3/9/06
Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day
My soul is worn
And my heart is torn
As these tears stream down my face
Patience is growing thin, Father
As I try not to give in
To a world that is so unfair
Handing me this mask that I should wear
So that I can be worthy of love
Will no one ever see a heart
That is after the Lord’s own heart?
And will no one ever even care
That I lift my hands to You in prayer?
That I’m so in love with You
I want my life to reflect that in all I do.
Will no one ever love me for who I am?
Reign, reign in me this day
Father, this to You I pray.
As I wait for Your perfect will
May my life be truer still
To the One who gave me life again
Lord, as I wait, make this heart
One that is after Your own heart.
I thank You that You care
When I lift my hands to You in prayer.
May I fall more in love with You
And live my life to reflect that in all I do.
Until I find the one who is after Your heart too.
Ironically enough, I specifically remember the circumstances prompting this… and I obviously still haven’t learned my lesson. Maybe this time I will get it through my head. Maybe now I can be free.
Patience is a virtue, and most certainly one that needs work in my life, at that. I don't like silence, from God or otherwise. I don't like confusion. And I don't like not knowing what I'm feeling, or how to express myself. This is exhausting. I often wish life had a rewind button. I'd go back to being comfortably numb. I'd prefer that to this any day, I think.Well, today, at least. Leave it to me to figure things out the hard way though. I think I need a do-over, but I don't even know where to begin... My spirit is fading. I need a change.
I can't find the words to pray
I'm a little down today
Can You help me?
Can You hold me?
I feel a million miles away
And I don't know what to say
Can You hear me anyway?
Lord, I know, the only way is through this
Lord, I know, I need You to help me do this
1 comment:
good blog. i agree with you on the theme of your blog. i mean, some may look at yours or my blog initially and be like, whats the point, this is so random, but its not. because we find meaning, lessons, in the little things. and thats why we write about them, because they mean something to us. whether its some funny story that reminds us to laugh when life is difficult or a rant on the confusion and the doubt in life and how God breaks through all of it. everything means something.
i also like your song or poem or whatever back from 06. thats really good. i love how you can look back and stuff you wrote awhile back and see what you've learned since then, or remind yourself of what you learned at the time. so cool.
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